She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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