Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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