I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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