There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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