I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
