I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my phone needs a breathalizer
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
The air taste purple.
Randomize
