I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
