I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
