You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
