Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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