also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
