You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
