He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
