You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
