Tell her she can't have a vagina
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
