ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
