I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
