hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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