Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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