I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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