I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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