Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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