my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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