Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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