Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
