I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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