non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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