He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
