If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
