Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
