It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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