Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
