If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
