I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
