Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
