I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
