so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
