Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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