he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
