We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
