yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize