I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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