on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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