Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Farmville is her only friend.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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