I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
