i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
