So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
