I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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