You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
