Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
