I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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