I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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