Sry I called you an 8
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
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