I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You took a bar mat shot.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
