Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
