So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
