Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
