tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
