Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
