I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
