yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
