Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
