she woke up with a sticky ear
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
