is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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