there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
