my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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