I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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