dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
