Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
